Monday, December 13, 2010

WikiLeak: Miley Cyrus, Ne-Yo Trained by CIA!

WikiLeak: Miley Cyrus & Ne-Yo Trained By CIA!

DECEMBER 14, 2010

A state of emergency is abuzz  today in Tehran as the threat of an Islamic information meltdown threatens to rip Iran's current government into non-halal shreds. Meanwhile, NSA analysts at a new listing post- code named Graceland- hidden in the foot hills of Tennessee,  now contend that Pyongyang intends to ship five of each of the following class of missiles to that insecure, totalitarian theocracy: The newly tested Harem Scarem,  Spin-Out and Double Rouble class missiles.

The Washington Post, the New York Times, the Pentagon, the Vatican, and the inner core of Iran's intelligence apparatus- located in the Ayatollah's top-secret Summer Harem, are all holding their breath in anticipation of the fallout produced by the latest WikiLeak which involves what could either be the most elaborate web of spy-craft ever conceived, or the biggest blunder since the summer of '69- when a hearing-impaired CIA analyst thought he had decoded a bizarre message indicating that  "John Lennon married Paul".

American, Turkish and Egyptian film producers in a collaborative effort to produce the most  sexually decadent music video ever- have been denied visas to Iraq where the video was  slated to be produced featuring Miley Cyrus dressed in a transparent Muslim-burka and striking highly  suggestive back-room-Byzantine poses, in and around some of the regions most famous mosques- as highly  frustrated looking men look on. The video was slated to feature a song written for Miley by the world famous, singer-songwriter Ne-Yo.  

Tehran's religious propaganda bureau- working overtime with highly trained, Islamist psychologists and translators highly fluent in BGPE- Bubble-Gum-Pop-English- content that the song is a cleverly crafted hypnotic time bomb which successfully programs old and young Iranian men to strip off all their clothing and start biting young boys on the buttocks. Iranian-American psychologists who oppose this theory have contend that  such behavior has been going on for years in Iran and has nothing to do with America's svengali-like influences. They argue that it is just Tehran's attempt to deter attention from themselves and blame America- with its vastly superior entertainment industry for their buttocks biting ways.

Tuesday, December 14, An undisclosed ROOTERS informant at the CIA cafeteria's ice-cream section stated that- news of this entertainment event has outraged the Shia-Muslim hierarchy of neighboring Iran, as well as other Muslim countries in the region.  The source added that, intelligence sources in Tehran view this project as a war to destroy Muslim values and the near monopoly which Tehran has on the region's pistachio market.

The source added that, Tehran has been attempting to lay the framework for greater influence in Iraq's decision making by way of "Shadow Diplomacy" and terrorist missions- which have all been successfully thwarted in the Kurdistan region since 2003. Iran's security bureau has begun demanding that Miley Cyrus confess her Jezebel ways before  Allah and submit herself to what Iran watchers refer to as "Tehran's own religious SS" that she could undergo a highly publicized series of public lashings. They have also requested that she wear the same provocative attire slated for the proposed video while being lashed.

Between sumptuous bites of butter-pecan and chocolate-mint ice-cream,  the source stated that, NSA communications specialists had successfully intercepted communications which indicated that an Iranian music video producer- related to the Ayatollah- has been selected to film the  event in its entirety- in order to educate Iranian children of the dangers of non-Muslim decadence.

A former Iranian diplomat to Easter Island- now working for an undisclosed fruit company in North Korea that is believed by IRS officials to have banking connections with Cambodia's slowly advancing space program- suggested- to Swedish diplomats in Pyongyang- that the Iranian production of any video depicting the lashing of Miley Cyrus in provocative attire- would most certainly be put on sale in secret, back-alley video shops disguised as religious training centers in Tehran's most piously-religious areas- identified by their abject poverty, sexual desperation, and general state of fear and paranoia.

Off-shore bankers and experts on what is known in intelligence circles as improper-ganda-  have suggested that such video shops are actually under the direct control of Iran's top  religious leaders. One Iranian diplomat attending happy hour at Hooter's in Tyson's Corner,  Virginia has adamantly denied these allegations and indicated that Tehran may choose to  retaliate by increasing shipments of: out-of-date fashion magazines, boring soap operas with  nebulous moral themes, and moldy pistachios- that Chinese quality control experts have  already rejected.

Yet, only a week after this conflict arose- a thick cloud of secrecy had already begun to fall  upon northern Iraq- as Bible scholars and secular archeologists- all sworn to secrecy by Iraq's parliament and intelligence operatives representing Iraq, the US, and the UK began to  descend upon a tightly guarded area close  to the Syrian border. 

Frequent road side checks between the Iranian border and the Kurdish town of Masef- are being conducted by what are rumored to be Iranian imitators of northern Iraq's security force- The Pehesh Merga-  are now described as highly intimidating- particularly for those of bearing light complexions and tight-fitting jeans. In the northwest sector of Iraq- toward the Syrian-Turkish borders- soldiers bearing solid black uniforms- charged with diverting traffic to recently made archaeological discoveries- are believed to be a top-secret strike force squadron dispatched by  the innermost sanctum of the Vatican- temporarily legitimized by a hefty contribution to the KRG- Kurdistan Regional Government.

Masses of obsessed curiosity seekers  and intrepid journalists are still attempting to enter the region- arriving in convoys armed to the teeth and guarded by security teams that are provided by former employees of Blackwater- disguised as heavy-drinking-sexually-promiscuous-Christan-missionaries-become ESL teachers- on an evangelistic mission in order to somehow procure funds from the US Department of Defense.

CNN analysts are wondering why this region of Iraq is now generating so much interest. BBC experts on the middle east are mystified by  just why eccentrics from all over the world seem to be magnetized by this region and are homing in on it. Yet, ROOTERS has just discovered that it is all due to an archaeological discovery which could very well unveil the greatest discovery of the ages!
Their mission- according to ROOTER'S own R&I analysts -  has its roots in the recent, amazing, discovery of an ancient letter uncovered from the colophon of an Armenian-Christian manuscript of the gospels. This discovery which archaeologists of all religious backgrounds agree will have stunning impact on the geopolitics of the region- was written in 1200 by a bi-sexual priest who had been exiled from the region after having been observed cavorting with farm animals during a festival in celebration of Saint Francis of Asseasy  Day.

Even more significantly, the document- which was never canonized- has been found by scholars of all religious backgrounds to be the most significant discovery since the wheel.  An exert from the letter found below, conveys a stunning blow to conventional ideas about how at least some of the scriptures which Christians hold sacred- were delivered to us.  

" Let Christ-God bless Khoja Hovhanes Mughdusi, from Kurdistan, who made a pilgrimage to Jerusalem and took the holy Gospels from the aliens."
The passage has caused a fierce debate to escalate from the Iraqi parliament to even the innermost, sanctums of the Vatican- causing Bible scholars, UFO-groups, members of fundamentalist Christian groups and even various terrorist factions from countries surrounding Iraq great concern.  It is thought by many that the church may harbor an anti-chamber containing additional manuscripts-  which can further explain the supposed presence of space aliens in Jerusalem during the 12th century.

According to one analyst with the US Embassy in Baghdad, this phenomenal discovery may be the reason why several known Iranian intelligence operatives in the region of northern Iraq seem to be attempting to destabilize the otherwise peaceful area by way of secret arms shipments and the wide-spread bribery of officials.

The source went on to state that, "They appear to be training their eyes and even rifle scopes on American Christian missionaries who are currently residing in Iraq's northern region under the guise of teaching English in an effort to convert Muslims to what one ROOTERS reporter has referred to as a Corporate-Friendly-American-Christianity- with other nicknames prevailing such as:  Punch & Cookie Christianity , Chip & Dip Christianity, and Burger & Coke Christianity.

On October 16th, Farsi-speaking linguists and code-breaking software on loan from the Vatican's top secret intelligence facilities on an undisclosed international space station orbiting what NASA officials refer to as "Planet X" intercepted several burst-code transmissions played backwards underneath the audio of  Iran's Radical Hits of the 60's radio program.

The intercepts indicate that Hezbollah operatives who regularly meet  for lunch at the Burger King restaurant in the Iraqi town of Sulaimani (when there's a lunch special) were discussing how insurgent-snipers are now insisting upon special perks and benefits other than the standard (US) $2,000 paid by Tehran for  the  murder of  any Christan missionary in Iraq- who happens to look and act like the cartoon character Ed Flanders of the animated TV series The Simpsons.

Tehran is also offering US$100,000 for the kidnapping of any Christian women who happens to look like Shakira and is willing to really "shake her thing"  for a moral-boosting DVD of harem delights for deep-cover insurgents who work the Erbil night club circuit- where a nefarious Whiskey Soda could cost as much as (US) $10- unless one promises to marry one of the manager's typically puffy bodied and saggy-faced sisters. 
The amazing discovery has had the strange effect of uniting the most diverse groups.

UFO researchers, Christian cults, and even sexually degenerate psychics, ass well ass owners of fake humanitarian and Christian organizations in Iraq's northern region have all assisted each other in their pilgrimage to further knowledge, at least attempting to arrive by the  bus loads- only to suffer the horrendous and uncertain fate of special rendition to the Vatican's secret inquisition center buried somewhere in the depths of the isle of Malta.

Another source has stated that- he believes that many rumors are being developed in a highly orchestrated attempt to cover-up what is thought to be a literally underground- swinging singles club for jet-setting VIPs and leaders- many of whom are unknown now- but are being groomed to take high positions of leadership- after a coming world crisis which is scheduled to begin the day after the full moon of the ancient festival of Yule Tide- which also happens to be the last day of  the Mayan calendar in the year 2013. 

He elaborated by saying that these people gather regularly in a lavish, underground cavern found in Iraq's north-most region. It is said to be large enough to house the Sistine Chapel.  The source also stated that, 500 meters underground- by way of stainless steel elevators designed by NASA- can be found an exclusive club owned by none other than Larry Flint- of Hustler magazine fame.

Snippets of risque video footage- secretly filmed there by a former investigative reporter for Penthouse magazine- who now  works for the DOD in Baghdad- vividly illustrates the extent of sexual depravity and wanton abandon which is now being (at least secretly tolerated) in Iraq's northern region. As rumors of this night life scene begin to slowly swell and undulate- mostly male, operatives of America's Christian Coalition who are secretly embedded with the Department of State- have secured a special grant from the Rand Corporation to assist them in combing the region on weekends- in a bid to learn of its exact location- so they can wage an extensive, under-cover investigation, posing as very happy, regular customers.

News of this in secret diplomatic circles has caused Turkish Tourism Authorities to be deeply concerned. They are afraid that it may represent a growing trend which could damage their country's growing and throbbing sex-tourist business and cause them to detour from Istanbul's Byzantine-back-alley-belly-dancing establishments- replete with call girls who take turns smoking a customer's nagila.

Shortly after the fall of Babylon, Japanese sex-tourists in particular began whining that Iraq was unable to compete with Turkish delights. Cultural anthropologists concur that it is most likely due to the vast number of young Iraqi females who fall victim to what is commonly referred to in conservative Muslim circles as "female circumcision". This practice-  involving the cutting-off of a newly pubescent female's clitoris to prevent her from ever obtaining a natural level of sexual enjoyment- also eliminates her natural desire to flirt, taunt, and tease males. Unfortunately, the tendency to nag seems endemic to other aspects of the female psyche which are not effected by this barbaric procedure.

To most Kurdish-Muslims and non-Muslims alike- this practice is considered to be a hideous form of sexual mutilation which not only retards the healthy hormonal development of an individual, but leads to a plethora of psychologically damaging effects which negatively effect the entire society.  

Shiite insurgents from Iran- have recently been commissioned to create heated debates on the subject amongst Iraq's northern region of Kurdistan. These debates usually attract large crowds from which an Iranian co-operative  cheers and applauds over enthusiastically. When not amassing large crowds, these same Iranian sleeper-insurgents tend to shops in northern Iraq's low-rent areas- posing as extremely bored shopkeepers. Newly operational, high- altitude UAVs- Unmanned Aerial Vehicles- that are powered by powerful satellite-mounted lasers with a loiter time of approximately 18 hours have been keeping these men under surveillance before and after their staged dramas- when they have little else to do other than gather around kabob shops complaining about their non-existent Kurdish wives' humongous buttocks and generally puffy appearances.

 As a result of this new operation, six Christian missionaries who were posing very successfully as inept ESL teachers for the security group formerly known as Blackwater- were kidnapped just last week while shopping for used, crotchless panties in a famous thrift market.  Nevertheless, many Christian-operatives are stubbornly insisting that their kidnapped colleagues were whisked away to heaven by what is known as a rapture experience. 

According to one backslider from the Christian-intelligence organization known as CRAP- Christian Republicans Against Pistachios (charged with the task of increasing right-wing, republican-stupidity and hubris in the heartland of America) is suspected of having persuaded the Vatican, the Iranian Air Force and the Turkish Air Force to increase their frequency of bombing sorties in Kurdistan's surrounding mountain regions- in a bid to discourage travel by  what one Iranian official has referred to as Cloak & Dagger Christians".
Since the shocking interpretation of the manuscript was first leaked to the Italian press in mid-August of 2010, a fire-storm of controversy has threatened to further destabilize the Middle East as Shiite, Sunni, and now Christian tribes are all vying for control of the area thought to contain the controversial writings.

Recently, a low-budget Japanese film director who was location-scouting in the region to do a really antiquated rip-off on a Quentin Tarantino rip-off,  was taken hostage in the region. As a result, several entertainment moguls in Hollywood have apparently called Tehran to express their deepest gratitude.
Months before,  three Americans who had claimed to be journalists in Iraq found themselves in an Iranian prison insisting they were backpacking college students.

They were taken into custody by the Iranian border patrol and charged as spies employed by the CNN- Christian News Network.  Some political groups argue that they were abducted  by Iranian's border patrol inside Iraqi territory, while some eccentric cult-group followers are claiming they were abducted by either Muslim-aliens pretending to be Christian-aliens, or aliens pretending to be Shia Muslims dressed in Iranian border patrol uniforms.

Roadside bombings in the region have greatly increased convictions that an international conspiracy has been created to thwart people's attempt to find the ancient church which they believe holds the key to many unsolved historical mysteries.

The letter was carefully reviewed by several village elders who- despite their ability to translate only snippets of the text- became convinced that it had provided them with a greater understanding of who Jesus the Christ- whose actual name was perhaps Yoshua Bar Yoseph- had been. Shortly afterward, they managed to convince a gaggle of Assyrian- Christians that the man commonly known as Jesus had incorporated the teachings of the Jewish philosopher Halal-  with Buddhist philosophy of long suffering integrated with other regional philosophies gaining popularity on the silk road as it weaved its way to Damascus.

The elders also contended that the  popular quotation about rivers of living water that spring forth from one's body, referred to a holistic "miracle" cure that was known and practiced in India at that time involving the consuming of one's own urine to cure a wide array of health disorders and thus insure a long and healthy life.
In a final related story,  one ROOTERS source has suggested that since September, 2010, highly-trained computer technicians and hackers working for Iran in an attempt to prevent  more American Christians from seeping into Iraq-  began mounting a cyber-terrorism campaign which involved developing a virus which could weave its way from Google and Wikipedia search engines into NSA, DIA, DOD, and CIA computers- in a bid to confuse people regarding the location of Iraq's Kurdistan region with the US state of Kentucky.
The project is rumored to have succeeded in making several Turkish fighter planes fly very far off course. However, the Pentagon denies there is any truth to the claim. Nevertheless, alternative newspapers the world over are claiming that the Turkish air force while targeting a KPP-terrorist encampment they thought was in Kurdistan- actually bombed a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet in Louisville, Kentucky.

Another Turkish plane was supposedly forced to crash land in a Wall-Mart parking lot just outside of Palestine, Texas, as yet another attempted to land on a ranch in Medina, Texas. The rumored results of this campaign have had Iran's shadow diplomat to Iraq-Brig. General Sulaimani- promising to fund additional  project such as the switching out of cell phones to Iraqi officials with ones containing spy-ware. A more ambitious project will possibly involve the importation of  CD compilations of Cat Stevens Greatest Hits of the 70s containing subliminal messages such as- Tea for the Taliban. 

To follow further developments on this story, check ROOTERS daily.  Joe Bryan Baker

No comments:

Post a Comment