Sunday, March 6, 2011



Monday, March 7, 2011. 
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March 7, 2011. 

Figaro States: GaGa des Causes Profondes Revolution!

CIA Insider: Strong evidence connects Lady GaGa with the Middle East's sudden, wild attempt to scramble toward the 21st century. Thanks to her service to humanity, we are all witnessing a radical change of the guard in the Middle-East and Wisconsin! She better write off any hopes of any really big oil-company sponsorship in the future! 

To find the article you are looking for- simply keep scrolling down till you see the appropriate heading or Google Search them by the specific titles listed below:

*Welcome to Despot Depot

*Secret Lady GaGa Concerts Deposing Mid-East Tyrants!

*Santa Cheney

*SSSSS- Santa's Stealth Sleigh Surveillance System: An Insiders Look.

*Does an operation called FFFFF-Fast Food For Foreign Fiends exist?

*Mossad Attackes Blonde Flotilla in the Gaza of Mexico!

*Cheney Pilot Top-Secret Craft!

*Jackie Chan's Stunt Double hiding from CIA!


These articles are brought to you be state-of-the-art, burst-code frequency messaging techniques that utilize advanced algorithmic-cryptography, scramblers which are hidden in various jungles around the world.

To address some questions regarding what means of technology is allowing us to maintain actual up-to-the-minute coverage of the REAL back story CNN has no access to- please read the following message from the ROOTERS technical team:
Even though many areas of the Mid-East now have no phone-service and internet is being interfered with- we are happy to announce that we are now collecting more info hourly as our key contacts in the Mid-East have each been supplied with state-of-the-art, briefcase-contained-satellite-phone systems.

The phone system- especially designed by ROOTERS technicians-  sports that use of a collapsible, thus easily concealed and easily disguised, satellite dish- measuring only 20 centimeters in diameter.  The dish itself- which weighs less than 30 ounces- is composed of a light canvas that bears a light coat of aluminum.

                                         Rumpert Stingen
                                                   ROOTERS Technical Support Manager    ________________________________________________________________

                       WELCOME TO DESPOT DEPOT               ROOTERS
February 21, 2011.
Cutting-edge intelligence from a Muslim cleric in Tehran who for a number of years- has worked as an inside-informant for ROOTERS has provided us up-to-date information which has had a dizzying effect on think-tanks and Geo-political analysts. It is no secret that everyone is
now speculating about where the storm of discontentment in the Middle East will end up and how will effect the average Joe. 

Since last week's discovery of Hosni Mubarak's Caligula-style- literally underground- palaces of Versailles meets Hustler-Gilgamesh, Iran, Iraq, Bahrain, 篱笆,and even the capital of Wisconsin have erupted into chaos. A paper trail printed in golden ink has prompted experts to project their focuses even further ahead of the everyday news- and draw upon basic warning signs given by all leaders world-wide and not just those in the Middle East.

The most obvious examples of bad leadership in the Middle East are fortunately very easy to locate without the use of satellite imagery or Facebook. The warning signs have been hard for Washington DC to observe perhaps because they were in bed together with the lights turned off. Amazing what bad lighting, a bit of brandy and alot of cash can do for a relationship.

What are the warning signs of a despot?

Apparently, such details are roughly skimmed over or it is the kind of subject which candidates for employment in overseas service are required to have a deplorable amount of knowledge about.  One must NOT observe these things in order to qualify as a ground operative tucked away in a US Embassy.

1.  A leader or ruling party that is autocratic, inflexible and refuses to allow international scrutiny of their election process- if one exists;

2.  A leader or ruling party that was established by a personality cult enshrouded by
     myths and exaggeration;

3.  A leader or ruling party that can upon a short advanced notice- crank up a
     dense cloud of oppression, fear and intimidation;

4.  A leader or ruling party that was put into power by a direct political referral or merely inherited the ruling position from a family member without fair elections;

5.  A leader or ruling party that manages to somehow maintain sporadic illusions of progress regarding human rights and political transparency for the western media and typically careless American analysts who cannot look behind the cut of a leader's suit or silly costumes, his choice of ties, women, American stock holdings, or his amiable suave party style and demeanor.

6. A leader or ruling party that can always buy more time for their claimed advances toward progress by  confusing Washington DC about their countries specific ethnic, religious and demographic problems which western minds are not privy to understand;

7.  A leader or ruling party that simply nabs power through some window of opportunity- usually through war or a coup- and grooms and maintains the shallow allegiance of their cronies and military connections with business contracts, graft, bribes and kick-backs.

Note: Any similarities that may exist between the above description and the "W" regime is not coincidental- but then- it is not the subject of this article.

 as it attempts to unravel and explain the bizarre details surrounding the current attempts toward revolution in  Iran, Bahrain and other countries which will no doubt rear their heads within the next hours or days.  

The focus of our future analysis will be upon 4 of the most (obvious) ruthless, persona-non-gratis of Tyrannyville that are competing for bad news coverage:
1. Iran's Ayatollah;
2. Iran's prime minister Ahmadinejad;
3. Libya's dictator-president Moammar Gadhafi;
4. Kim Jong Il


   Secret Lady GaGa Concerts are destroying Mid-East Tyrants!
   The Shocking, Scandalous Truth!


February 21, 2011.

Some describe the recent fall of Mid-East tyrants as a house of trick poker cards collapsing, others are rehashing the domino effect. But only a few- and now yourself- will soon know the truth behind what is now being referred to (within sound vacuumed discussions rooms in the DC metropolitan area as- the Domino-La-Lah Effect.


The following is a confidential interview with the creator of:

Downloading this info could put you in great danger!

The following info is for YOUR EYES ONLY!

The most common question to inspire intrigue is
"how did the corp-raider antics of famous music-producer mogul Irving Azoff almost blow the cover on history's biggest Psy-Ops
Pop Concert!  

What was first only intended to be a mega-publicity stunt for an Arab condom company has turned into a world-wide scandal which may topple most of the world's evil despots by this time next week!

The sexy-controversial-pop-disco-diva-extraordinaire- commonly known as Lady GaGa is restructuring the world as we know it- but only a select group of intelligence insiders are privy to this amazing information! What is even more hard to believe- intelligence agencies from A to Z are currently attempting to take all the credit! The world's most well connected, entertainment moguls- many of whom bare surnames which reflect the shine of mountains of gold and silver- could not have anticipated such an immense promotional exploit-become seed of revolution and world-change!

How could analysts of the US government, with its seemingly limitless access to resources and usury-level loans from Communist China have not foreseen the potentially devastating social, political and economic ramifications of Lady GaGa!

"Whowoodah thought dat suchathink could-ah-wood-ah happened already?"      Said one top entertainment mogul who asked that his name not be printed.

Well placed FBI and Interpol sources with their thumbs to the pulse of entertainment related remittances of large sums that are occasionally wired to banks in the Middle-East- sometimes even owned by a dictator, monarch or despotic regime- are now at least attempting to sort-out the first pieces of the puzzle.

From all indications, one individual- who refers to himself as being a chronically underpaid generalist in whatever- who claims to live in an area of the world referred to as Abroad- is reported to have conceived and organized a top-secret, franchise-style, mega-concert which could be marketed directly to world-despots who- in a desperate bid to enjoy themselves carelessly open themselves up to the scandalous CCTV footage created by a network of spy-cams pointing back at them from on-stage.

ROOTERS arranged a coveted meeting with this reclusive jack-of-all-trades- who declines from giving his name.

Q: Stories have begun spreading about some kind of secret concerts which Arab and Persian despots are requesting. Shortly after these secret concerts are held, angry mobs start calling for a new, democratic government! What's going on? Is there any truth to this story? Are you somehow involved?

A:   "High tech is now doing what the CIA never had the creative capacity to do. That is, get into people's minds and make them seek positive change by way of chasing their dreams. Political rhetoric is old hat and no one wants to wear it. Start talking to people about music, culture, hobbies and next thing you know- they may not be your friend- but they stop being your enemy. All the trillions of dollars the US has been bombing the world with since WW2 could have been used to simply hone relationships with leaders that really believed in the principles the US was so willing ot preach, but so unwilling to ever enforce.

Take Iraq for example, it would not have been hard to overthrow Hussein if the Iraqi people had gotten motivated and a bit organized, but I guess there are not very many computer savy chicken-hawks. It took "pinko-liberals" on the West Coast by way of high technology to usher in the real dream of freedom of expression and it expanded into the entire world for whoever could gain even temporary access. Facebook is now doing the work that the FBI and the CIA could never manage. That's not to say they have not done their best- but they're crippled by the political realm they usually operate within.

Grassroots movements about freedom and equal rights are really more about- how the hell am I going to feed- my family of 10, because I wasn't clever enough to obtain financial security beforehand?
Despots are like junkies and will do anything to embellish their image to preserve the flow of whatever it is that he thinks is keeping him in power. Fear and intimidation with smiles and waves works really well being that the common denominator that defines most countries in the world is that of utter stupidity.  Despots are so into themselves they cannot see the forest for the trees.

It is no surprise that they all miscalculate how social media now works in a modern world they have not yet entered. They lack any understanding of the passions which compel youth today to seek intimacy in a world of graceless imitations via social media networks which work as high-tech metaphors of a graffiti strewn wall on the wall of a restroom along some endless stretch of highway.

American decision makers are still at a level where they think if someone mistreats his own countrymen and abuses their rights- it can be overlooked if he provides them with an enjoyable evening and acts like an amiable, generally likeable dude!

The concept of a concert for questionable figures in the murky waters of Middle East
politics provides a way for despotic authoritarians to curry more favor and allegiance from their crony buddies, co-conspirators, evil-contemporaries and the unsung,  over-worked and under-appreciated folks like their cloak-and-dagger henchmen and arms-dealers. Something like a company picnic with spiked punch.

The promotional angle is-  You folks are working hard to keep your oppressed countries hundreds of years behind the west and this is our little way of showing how much your hard work is appreciated. Here's a token of appreciation for your hard work. It's not easy having to knock ambitious and desperate people down as they try to crawl out of the pit you've given them. Tonight, is your special night!".

? continued by adding that. "the money aspect of the concerts came to me in the form of a question: How can I cash in on some of the world's most corrupt leaders?
The Psy-Ops aspect of the concerts came later. These are all guys that for one reason or another- are simply not going to be around much longer. If there own people don't kill them- their own wild imaginings will.

So, the basis of the concerts became simply: Take them for as much as I possible can and then expedite their demise.".."It's kind of like the way the DEA and other government agencies do business isn't it?"


A: Well, it sounded like a really good album title, or even a movie or TV series:

                   Concerts For Despots!

I began to think of the concerts as a very expensive sending-off party to the world's 50 top desperado-despots as they dangle precariously at the edge of their own bottom-less pits. But none of this would have been possible had the US not given blind, rubber-stamp endorsement to ruthless people with no level of accountability or true evaluation. They're so busy looking one direction giving countless lectures on human rights, that they never have the time or interest to see (or perhaps care?) that many of the world's tyrants are being supported by the US."

I knew I had stumbled onto something really grand when "by chance "Irving Asoff happened to sit next to me in the economy section of a Gulf Air fright from northern Iraq to Bangkok. I noticed there was something Napoleonic about the guy. At first,
I thought it might be Roman Polanski, but Polanski is a bit taller.  I knew Irving Asoff's legendary pension for squeezing into tight spaces- such as living out of parked cars to save a buck or two"..."but he kept asking me pointed details about
my horrible experiences with Seibu-Saison Promotions in Tokyo- and what I was REALLY doing in Iraq.

What really blew the lid off though was- the way he was getting first class cabin food delivered to him there next to me in Economy Class and how he took half bites of many things and hid the rest inside the In-Flight magazine or under his chair.  I knew from stories I heard from entertainment insiders that it had to be Asoff- the producer of Steely Dan and the Eagles- two of my long time favorite music groups". 

How did you get Lady GaGa for this Musical-Political Omnibus?
Months after I installed some spyware into my laptop I began to realize some desperate individual (with a residence in Malibu) was homing in on my emails, etc. 
I paid an out-of-work taxi driver from Oklahoma City just enough money to go to Hollywood and live in the Roosevelt Hotel elevator or something. After he successfully posed as a flower delivery guy to her stated delivery address on Valentine's Day of 2010.

The flowers were bugged and gave me all the ammo I needed to get a positive ID on her. As it turns out, the poor dear was very ashamed and distraught. She had been nursing a crush on me for years and what with her busy concert tours and neurotic boyfriends and girlfriends- never had time to break away long enough to send me anything other than a snoopy email posing as a Nigerian
lottery manager or deposed princess from some little known African nation.

In a kind of plea-bargain agreement become business-date, I sent her an email and arranged to a time (around her busy shooting and touring schedules) when we could get together for a cup or two of rare Colombian commodities. She was all over the idea like a ravished possum in an over-filled Taco Bell dumpster.   
Lady GaGa admitted "strongly hinted that it was the money that caught her attention at first, but she really liked the idea of at first cock-teasing a bunch of crooked people before busting their balls!

Since I've always had a talent for borrowing from Peter to pay Paul because I owed money to Mary- getting the initial amount needed to get the thing rolling was not so tricky.

Oh yeah, and I think it was Lady GaGa's publicist that insisted that we entitle our secret concert op:


...."That was because rumors were still spreading that Irving Asoff was trying to
stir up some kind of federal inquisition as a smoke screen while he tried to  appropriate our best ideas and parlay them into: The Eagles' 49th Farewell Tour scheduled to be televised LIVE from some huge glacier that is now forming just outside of Lubbock, Texas (the general traipsing grounds of such music legends as  Buddy Holly, Roy Orbison, and of course The Eagle's own extraordinary singer-songwriter- Don Henley."


Newly arrived Tidbits RE: Ooo-La-La Concert Ops.

Each concert is reportedly limited to an audience of only 300. That is apparently due to the security precautions which most of the tyrannical despots must observe. An overly large concert would greatly increase the risk of a sniper attack or terrorist bombing attempts.  As a result, most of the Ooh-La-La audience goers to date have appeared to be security professionals from the hosting county's military hierarchy, Stasi-style police networks, plain-clothes agent provocateurs and secret, pro-government-goon-squads.

Tickets which can command a price of up to (US) $5,000,000 per ticket rely upon extremely high quality and not quantity. That translates to insuring each ticket purchasers utmost enjoyment and assured safety.

The wholesale ticket price of (US) $5,000,000 is apparently non-negotiable and non-refundable. There are no insurance considerations. If the despot, or any of the individuals he retails the tickets to should be hurt or injured during or directly after the concert- the Ooo-La-Las Corporation is under no legal or financial obligation.

On the back of each ticket, printed boldly in Modern Standard Arabic  reads, "100 Minutes of Steamy, Sexual Enticement and Melodic Stimulation is Ass ured". 

What is not mentioned on the back of the tickets, is that the concert production itself appears to be the end result of years of top-secret research complied from data-banks and sociological experiments conducted from Rock concert operatives in the 70s and 80s. 

Rock, Pop, & Disco Revolution: 1972 - Present.

One such source who insisted on remaining anonymous stated that,     "Entrancingly sublime melodies from ancient Sumerian love songs and prose-like chants were carefully translated and re-recorded in the early 70s by a secret team of MIT scientists headed by psychologist Carl Jung and the creator of the Moog Synthesizer.

The DOD code named the project: Operation Pan.

On February 16, 2011, a veteran CIA analyst agreed to communicate with  ROOTERS. He declined giving his name, but reliable sources have verified that  while he served as an intelligence analyst for 11 years, he had earned the reputation of being a political maverick by actually admitting before the Senate Intelligence Committee that he favored a much more democratic Middle East- even if it meant less corporate profits for America and much less patriotic pride and hubris for his Geo-politically naive family members and friends.

He chose to communicate with ROOTERS by way of smoke signals from his Maryland-based barbecue-pit just before dinnertime last Sunday. A cryptographic expert from the Army Signal Corp. on loan from the Choctaw Tribe is credited with translating the code as precisely as possible.

In the secret communique, he stated that, 

"Each one of Lady GaGa's Ooh-La-La concerts that are scheduled for the Middle East seem to be ass sexually dynamic ass possible"...."We need a dash of  lemon juice and more garlic in the sauce Hon!".... "It will be a tease and taunt fest the likes of which have not been seen since"........ "Billy! Stop looking up your sister's dress when she's climbing up the slide!"....."Castro- by way of a Swedish courier- sent love sick sonnets to Marilyn Monroe in a bid to create a classic Soviet-style love-triangle-sting-summit between himself, John and Bobby Kennedy"..... "Our best analysts claim that the GaGa concerts seem to be designed in a"....."Brent Junior!....
I'll tell you one more time!! Stop Wiki leaks... I mean....sneaking peeks of your sister's underage-not-ready-for-prime-time-love-muffin! I mean it!".....

As the buffalo wings and beef ribs began reaching that delicate point of being just cooked enough but requiring a bit more crispiness, the signals became much harder to decipher, but our source remained diligent and continued by adding that:

 "It will hopefully open the psychological gateway for a much more successful and much less violent, democratic revolution that can be staged days or weeks later... Brent! This Samuel Adams is fuck'n hot! Get me another pronto or your NOT going to summer camp!".... "What some of us at CIA are hoping, is that after Lady GaGa and her assistance get through with 'em.... all freedom-loving Americans or the ones who just like the word freedom, but don't have any real idea about what it is- can just say aidios to ruthless dictators and tyrants


       Inside Look @ Shocking Ooo-La-La Venues:

Many Victorian or French provincial style concert halls in the middle east seem to have become indoor bazaars or propaganda centers. Long abandoned ballrooms were left behind as vague reminders of imperialist times under the British or French, but now at least some of them will soon be secretly refurbished into Victorian-Byzantine Harem Love Dens to accommodate a top-secret Ooo-La-La Concert Op. They are being sub-sectioned off- according to sects and preferences- replete with privacy curtains, plasma viewing screens, shisha (nagila) water pipes said to sport  gratuitous amounts of Al Fakher tobacco, soaked in hash-oil flown-in espe
cially by Osama Inc. of Waziristan. One and two liter bottles of moisturizer creams and body lotions have reportedly been sold out in cities such as Tripoli, Manama, and Tehran.

From what ROOTERS has learned about the Ooo-La-La concerts, they seem to be designed to usher each respective despot-audience into a state of rapturous, euphoria which some few hours later, succumbs to more of a catatonic bliss- just before it  disintegrates into a level of general lethargy, confusion and aimlessness.

According to accepted rules of standard behavioral psychology there are standard buttons which produce the desired Ooo-La-La Effect.

An anonymous Ooo-La-La Op specialist indicated that this what they refer to as the Closing Curtain Effect. The surreality of the show and refreshments which are super-charged with large doses of Vet-grade hormone supplements causes the despotic leader and most of those invited to the show to begin a rapid emotional and mental decent. Soon thereafter, the harshness of political pressures combined with physical and mental limitations causes one to make brash comments within his inner-circle or take draconian measures to thwart the actions of innocent protesters. Hours, or days later, a greater mental conflict spirals as too little is attempted much too late.

The final stage is virtually unstoppable because despite all the money and power the despot may have begotten by ruthless means- he realizes that he will probably never,  ever have another erection without at least the assistance of a Lady GaGa video.
Rock bottom hits hard. The surreal, Sexual-Frolic Dimension is gone and there is nothing to feed the despot's psychotic cravings. Numbness becomes delusional thinking becomes total denial of reality.

                                            100 Mini GaGas

As many ass 100 hand-picked, female Scandinavian  models have been sanctioned as GaGaettes to eagerly circulate amongst the VIP audience, discreetly servicing their every needs for a handsome price. Many of the fans are rumored to wave breath-taking amounts of cash- even in the form of briefcases stuffed to the brim with fresh US dollars they refuse to tell the truth about.

Some openly claim that the counterfeit US currency comes from printing presses inside work-dungeons hidden under Chinese prisons, or printing facilities disguised as nuclear missile silos the DPRK, One rather stoned, VIP ticket welding crony insisted that the money comes from illegal  space whaling ventures off of a moon called Phoebus.

Velvet sofas, stuffed with what are rumored to be made of the down of baby bald-eagles- often mistaken for buzzards- were often surrounded by privacy curtains could recline to a bed-like surface or be discreetly lowered into special anti-chambers by way of sfx-cable- magic.

Shocking news of the rumored Lady GaGa event first came to light when the 2nd cousin of Iran's current Prime Minister Ahmadinejad- who was forced into a life of "quiet exile" in another country- received one of the rare, top-secret concert tickets by way of a courier error.

In his words, "The fancy invitation was delivered to my door one evening by a man in a very glossy, silk suit. First, I thought, Holy Shit! This is one of Ayatollah or my cousin Ahmadinejad's goon-squad-hit-men that go around the world killing enemies of Iran's wicked and cruel regime. I closed my eyes and prayed to the god of superheroes who are made from cosmic storms and that kind of stuff, but when I peaked to see what kind of gun he had- 'cause I'm a big handgun fan... I noticed it was some kind of letter or invitation."

For security reasons, he sent ROOTERS the following email account by way of an anonymous email account disguised as a Winner's Notice from a Nigerian Lottery:

"I cautiously opened the envelope like a nervous, drama-queen at an Oscar ceremony.  I was sure it contained some dangerous virus or maybe even some genetically rehabilitated Tyrannosaurus Rex pheromones that could make women of African origin that weigh more than 300 kilos, start bashing my door down and raping me- unless they were busy watching Oprah of course. Anyway, I finally opened it and saw that the lettering was done in 14k gold ink. However, the invitation was for my 2nd cousin- Prime Minister Ahmadinejad and not me! I am a sometimes happily married man!

The invitation was signed by the Ayotollah and several of his ruling counciIt was then that I realized that the rumors circulating in Tehran's underground about Iranian intelligence's interception of my 2nd cousin's desperate emails to Lady GaGa were probably true! According to one Aunt that lives in Iran's Kurdistan region next to northern Iraq- he even claimed [once again] to be Jewish- in a desperate bid to make a private sex-music-video with Lady GaGa. He even sent her close up photo's of what he claimed was his own circumcised penis!"  


Those invited to Lady GaGa's secret Middle East Op Concerts must fulfill at least 1 of 2 behavioral requirements- in order to be the wholesaler-sponsor of a Lady GaGa
Ooo-La-La concert in his region:

1. He must have remained in power for at least 4 normal election terms with every election regarded as suspicious by the international community.

2. He must have secured power by some form of unethical activity such as:
fraud, extortion, nepotism, intimidation, torture, death squads, tricky elections, or harassment of the media, genocide, ethnic cleansing, or a propensity for wearing outlandish uniforms and costumes from day to day- or several times in one day!
*They all espouse the virtues of freedom in order to receive rubber-stamp funding and look-the-other-way approval from US administrations that put little to no emphasis upon accountability or behavior that is consistent with the virtues which US presidents preach to the world- until the shit really hits the fan and they have to cover their asses with fancy rhetoric;
*According to the Insider's CIA Website- most of these despots are suffering from sexual dysfunction which in many Muslim countries- is traditionally thought to be cured by way of  non-compliant,  sexual activity with under-aged-boys.

Whether the Lady GaGa concert scheduled for Tehran, Iran on February 30, 2011 will continue as scheduled is unclear. An NSA satellite working in conjunction with MTV is using state-of-the -art sound and motion detecting lasers to locate any indication of high-decibel, sub-woofer activity coupled with undulating bodies. A special gauge developed especially for this mission was developed by Hewlett-Packard and will identify any unusually high ratio of male  hormones  per 1000 normal air molecules in Tehran's atmosphere- giving the exact location of what intelligence insiders regard as "revolution-levels of-sexcitementl.

In regard to any possible links between the current Lady GaGa debacle in Iran- which is rumored to be shaking their government to the core- our ROOTERS correspondent who works part- time as a floater for the DIA, NSA, CIA and KFC- when things get slow- has stated that last week- Hosni Mubarak's personal couriers were observed whisking back and forth between Ciaro, Bahrain and Tehran with what appeared to be alligator-skin-briefcases hand-cuffed to their wrists and anxious faces goggle-eying Romanian stewardesses in Gulf Air's Business Class.

Our attention has been focused upon what most intelligence insiders now believe to be the reason for Mubarak's speedy departure. 


    It is etched in stone at a near by pyramid and Mubarak- who imagined himself the embodiment of King Tutankhamun- had the ancient expression tattooed onto his left buttock until Ronald Dumsfeld- while attending a swimming party at Mubarak's Shamrock Sheik palace noticed it and advised him to have it removed. 

Huge, stainless steel doors designed for him unwittingly by NASA engineers- open to Mubarak's own secret Mega-Sex for Mega-Money Empire located almost 20 floor levels ground level- revealing the kind of decadence unheard of since Mubarak's cousin- who believed himself to be the human embodiment of the god Osiris- charged handsomely to redecorate Mubarak's Gilgamesh-Sex-Dungeon-Palace with the night-glow characteristics of Alien-Phalluses which are believed to have been preserved in air-tight containers by former British missionaries in the 18th century before they all died of mysterious SIDs. Objects recently recovered from the 3rd Sumerian King Excavation of the Euphronios Crater is now also thought to be directly related by various fringe-scientists in Russia.

 According to a well-placed source who poses as a homeless and out-of-work tout for a magic carpet dealer outside of Alexandria, Egypt- when not studying English slang at the local Muslim Brotherhood Branch of the Al Qaeda Endowment For The Arts)  hinted that Lady Gaga (whom Mubarak had code named: Ooh La La) was offered US $100,000,000 to enact sexual "frolic" (with heavy emphasis on the last syllable in order to emphasis the sound of the word "lick". in ancient Egyptian attire for Mubarak and a select group of what are now current members of the Egyptian military.
    "The expensive entertainment sessions may not have occurred at all", added Fukher appropriately, as he suddenly recalled the thought of being lashed by a razor-blade-laden-whip  by the former US-backed regime.  He added by stating, "that if the reports of sex for money were true- they acts would have occurred deep under what is thought to be the lowest anti-chamber of the pyramid- considered to be the resting place of King Tut." ..."Several jet-setting moguls, sheiks and captains of World Industry are said to have secretly experienced R&R there". 

   In a desperate bid to distract away from allegations that he (Donald Trump) may have  also encountered unspeakable delights within the sub-terrain-region of Mubarak's secret Gaga Room- he suddenly announced that he is considering running for US president.

   However, Trump-related stocks dipped a bit after the program in which he praised the UAR for being so architecturally advanced- apparently without knowing that  much of its advancement is the result of American and other foreign architects and engineers and NOT Arabs!

  Famed sociologist, Irvink Herbilwitzsteinberg addressed this very issue in his acclaimed, but unfinished text- published as is: Futile Modernization Versus Feudal Arabisation.

     "Oil money may be facilitating the construction of amazing airports, malls and city infrastructures throughout the Middle East, but anyone who has lived there for a few months begins to sense that it is only the presence of oil-money which is paid to foreign experts that actually makes many things progress. Oil money itself will never manage to undue the negative drag that is caused by the strangle hold of Islamic culture, Sharia law and sexist attitudes which forces women to become like unto a slow, trudging mountain of lard, or forces young boys to submit themselves to secretly accepted rapists who use them as substitutes for young women."

   The above was the last paragraph which the author wrote in his award-winning book just before he was abducted from a Russo-Chinese Sauna Massage establishment on the border of Waziristan owned by a 6' 6" tall Arab who goes by the name Sam.    

Strategists for the think-tank DICK- Despotic Interpol Crisis Karma (Group) pointed out that one cable leak from a FedEx clerk in Moscow has indicated that a large number of Lady Ga Ga videos were being requisitioned from Cambodia- where cheap, pirate-copies of American DVDs are available at ANY DVD store. After an emergency Senate Intelligence Committee was called into session- it was concluded that - these Lady Ga Ga videos- are being sent to an address (with CIA sources believe to be) a building used by Russian intelligence to train a newer and much more seductive breed of Sparrows, Swallows and Honey Pots.

   In the emergency session it was made known that the highest ratio of women to men in any former Soviet-region is the country of  Estonia- where a gratuitous blow-job is a common tip for any service as mundane as a pizza delivery. Within minutes of this announcement, male members of the SIC were in agreement that additional research by a bi-partisan committee involving all of them- would need to be conducted on location in that Baltic state.
    Lady Gaga's publicist stated that, "She is still unavailable for comment, because she always gets hit-on and chatted-up endlessly by every horny, conniving loser-poser-wanker within or without the entertainment industry.

   ROOTERS offices are still extending an invitation for Lady GaGa to submit herself to a free, creative, private consultation over a few erect and very stiff bottles of red wine. Our email address is throbbing and undulating with anticipation.

Lady Ga Ga May Contact Us Directly at:

_________________________________________________________________________Masad Buzzard Makes Iran Feather-Brained!
The incident comes amid growing paranoia among Israel’s neighbors.Just last week, the Telegraph reported the following:

            [A} large bird, which was carrying a GPS transmitter and a tag bearing the identification code R65 from Tel Aviv University, strayed into rural Saudi Arabian territory at some point last week, according to a report in the Israeli daily Ma’ariv.

Residents and local reporters told Saudi Arabia’s Al-Weeam newspaper that the matter seemed to be linked to a “Zionist plot” and swiftly alerted security services.
The bird has since been placed under arrest. The accusations went viral, according to the Israeli Ha’aretz newspaper, with hundreds of posts on Arabic-language websites and forums claiming that the “Zionists” had trained the birds for espionage.

Monday, December 13, 2010

WikiLeak: Miley Cyrus, Ne-Yo Trained by CIA!

WikiLeak: Miley Cyrus & Ne-Yo Trained By CIA!

DECEMBER 14, 2010

A state of emergency is abuzz  today in Tehran as the threat of an Islamic information meltdown threatens to rip Iran's current government into non-halal shreds. Meanwhile, NSA analysts at a new listing post- code named Graceland- hidden in the foot hills of Tennessee,  now contend that Pyongyang intends to ship five of each of the following class of missiles to that insecure, totalitarian theocracy: The newly tested Harem Scarem,  Spin-Out and Double Rouble class missiles.

The Washington Post, the New York Times, the Pentagon, the Vatican, and the inner core of Iran's intelligence apparatus- located in the Ayatollah's top-secret Summer Harem, are all holding their breath in anticipation of the fallout produced by the latest WikiLeak which involves what could either be the most elaborate web of spy-craft ever conceived, or the biggest blunder since the summer of '69- when a hearing-impaired CIA analyst thought he had decoded a bizarre message indicating that  "John Lennon married Paul".

American, Turkish and Egyptian film producers in a collaborative effort to produce the most  sexually decadent music video ever- have been denied visas to Iraq where the video was  slated to be produced featuring Miley Cyrus dressed in a transparent Muslim-burka and striking highly  suggestive back-room-Byzantine poses, in and around some of the regions most famous mosques- as highly  frustrated looking men look on. The video was slated to feature a song written for Miley by the world famous, singer-songwriter Ne-Yo.  

Tehran's religious propaganda bureau- working overtime with highly trained, Islamist psychologists and translators highly fluent in BGPE- Bubble-Gum-Pop-English- content that the song is a cleverly crafted hypnotic time bomb which successfully programs old and young Iranian men to strip off all their clothing and start biting young boys on the buttocks. Iranian-American psychologists who oppose this theory have contend that  such behavior has been going on for years in Iran and has nothing to do with America's svengali-like influences. They argue that it is just Tehran's attempt to deter attention from themselves and blame America- with its vastly superior entertainment industry for their buttocks biting ways.

Tuesday, December 14, An undisclosed ROOTERS informant at the CIA cafeteria's ice-cream section stated that- news of this entertainment event has outraged the Shia-Muslim hierarchy of neighboring Iran, as well as other Muslim countries in the region.  The source added that, intelligence sources in Tehran view this project as a war to destroy Muslim values and the near monopoly which Tehran has on the region's pistachio market.

The source added that, Tehran has been attempting to lay the framework for greater influence in Iraq's decision making by way of "Shadow Diplomacy" and terrorist missions- which have all been successfully thwarted in the Kurdistan region since 2003. Iran's security bureau has begun demanding that Miley Cyrus confess her Jezebel ways before  Allah and submit herself to what Iran watchers refer to as "Tehran's own religious SS" that she could undergo a highly publicized series of public lashings. They have also requested that she wear the same provocative attire slated for the proposed video while being lashed.

Between sumptuous bites of butter-pecan and chocolate-mint ice-cream,  the source stated that, NSA communications specialists had successfully intercepted communications which indicated that an Iranian music video producer- related to the Ayatollah- has been selected to film the  event in its entirety- in order to educate Iranian children of the dangers of non-Muslim decadence.

A former Iranian diplomat to Easter Island- now working for an undisclosed fruit company in North Korea that is believed by IRS officials to have banking connections with Cambodia's slowly advancing space program- suggested- to Swedish diplomats in Pyongyang- that the Iranian production of any video depicting the lashing of Miley Cyrus in provocative attire- would most certainly be put on sale in secret, back-alley video shops disguised as religious training centers in Tehran's most piously-religious areas- identified by their abject poverty, sexual desperation, and general state of fear and paranoia.

Off-shore bankers and experts on what is known in intelligence circles as improper-ganda-  have suggested that such video shops are actually under the direct control of Iran's top  religious leaders. One Iranian diplomat attending happy hour at Hooter's in Tyson's Corner,  Virginia has adamantly denied these allegations and indicated that Tehran may choose to  retaliate by increasing shipments of: out-of-date fashion magazines, boring soap operas with  nebulous moral themes, and moldy pistachios- that Chinese quality control experts have  already rejected.

Yet, only a week after this conflict arose- a thick cloud of secrecy had already begun to fall  upon northern Iraq- as Bible scholars and secular archeologists- all sworn to secrecy by Iraq's parliament and intelligence operatives representing Iraq, the US, and the UK began to  descend upon a tightly guarded area close  to the Syrian border. 

Frequent road side checks between the Iranian border and the Kurdish town of Masef- are being conducted by what are rumored to be Iranian imitators of northern Iraq's security force- The Pehesh Merga-  are now described as highly intimidating- particularly for those of bearing light complexions and tight-fitting jeans. In the northwest sector of Iraq- toward the Syrian-Turkish borders- soldiers bearing solid black uniforms- charged with diverting traffic to recently made archaeological discoveries- are believed to be a top-secret strike force squadron dispatched by  the innermost sanctum of the Vatican- temporarily legitimized by a hefty contribution to the KRG- Kurdistan Regional Government.

Masses of obsessed curiosity seekers  and intrepid journalists are still attempting to enter the region- arriving in convoys armed to the teeth and guarded by security teams that are provided by former employees of Blackwater- disguised as heavy-drinking-sexually-promiscuous-Christan-missionaries-become ESL teachers- on an evangelistic mission in order to somehow procure funds from the US Department of Defense.

CNN analysts are wondering why this region of Iraq is now generating so much interest. BBC experts on the middle east are mystified by  just why eccentrics from all over the world seem to be magnetized by this region and are homing in on it. Yet, ROOTERS has just discovered that it is all due to an archaeological discovery which could very well unveil the greatest discovery of the ages!
Their mission- according to ROOTER'S own R&I analysts -  has its roots in the recent, amazing, discovery of an ancient letter uncovered from the colophon of an Armenian-Christian manuscript of the gospels. This discovery which archaeologists of all religious backgrounds agree will have stunning impact on the geopolitics of the region- was written in 1200 by a bi-sexual priest who had been exiled from the region after having been observed cavorting with farm animals during a festival in celebration of Saint Francis of Asseasy  Day.

Even more significantly, the document- which was never canonized- has been found by scholars of all religious backgrounds to be the most significant discovery since the wheel.  An exert from the letter found below, conveys a stunning blow to conventional ideas about how at least some of the scriptures which Christians hold sacred- were delivered to us.  

" Let Christ-God bless Khoja Hovhanes Mughdusi, from Kurdistan, who made a pilgrimage to Jerusalem and took the holy Gospels from the aliens."
The passage has caused a fierce debate to escalate from the Iraqi parliament to even the innermost, sanctums of the Vatican- causing Bible scholars, UFO-groups, members of fundamentalist Christian groups and even various terrorist factions from countries surrounding Iraq great concern.  It is thought by many that the church may harbor an anti-chamber containing additional manuscripts-  which can further explain the supposed presence of space aliens in Jerusalem during the 12th century.

According to one analyst with the US Embassy in Baghdad, this phenomenal discovery may be the reason why several known Iranian intelligence operatives in the region of northern Iraq seem to be attempting to destabilize the otherwise peaceful area by way of secret arms shipments and the wide-spread bribery of officials.

The source went on to state that, "They appear to be training their eyes and even rifle scopes on American Christian missionaries who are currently residing in Iraq's northern region under the guise of teaching English in an effort to convert Muslims to what one ROOTERS reporter has referred to as a Corporate-Friendly-American-Christianity- with other nicknames prevailing such as:  Punch & Cookie Christianity , Chip & Dip Christianity, and Burger & Coke Christianity.

On October 16th, Farsi-speaking linguists and code-breaking software on loan from the Vatican's top secret intelligence facilities on an undisclosed international space station orbiting what NASA officials refer to as "Planet X" intercepted several burst-code transmissions played backwards underneath the audio of  Iran's Radical Hits of the 60's radio program.

The intercepts indicate that Hezbollah operatives who regularly meet  for lunch at the Burger King restaurant in the Iraqi town of Sulaimani (when there's a lunch special) were discussing how insurgent-snipers are now insisting upon special perks and benefits other than the standard (US) $2,000 paid by Tehran for  the  murder of  any Christan missionary in Iraq- who happens to look and act like the cartoon character Ed Flanders of the animated TV series The Simpsons.

Tehran is also offering US$100,000 for the kidnapping of any Christian women who happens to look like Shakira and is willing to really "shake her thing"  for a moral-boosting DVD of harem delights for deep-cover insurgents who work the Erbil night club circuit- where a nefarious Whiskey Soda could cost as much as (US) $10- unless one promises to marry one of the manager's typically puffy bodied and saggy-faced sisters. 
The amazing discovery has had the strange effect of uniting the most diverse groups.

UFO researchers, Christian cults, and even sexually degenerate psychics, ass well ass owners of fake humanitarian and Christian organizations in Iraq's northern region have all assisted each other in their pilgrimage to further knowledge, at least attempting to arrive by the  bus loads- only to suffer the horrendous and uncertain fate of special rendition to the Vatican's secret inquisition center buried somewhere in the depths of the isle of Malta.

Another source has stated that- he believes that many rumors are being developed in a highly orchestrated attempt to cover-up what is thought to be a literally underground- swinging singles club for jet-setting VIPs and leaders- many of whom are unknown now- but are being groomed to take high positions of leadership- after a coming world crisis which is scheduled to begin the day after the full moon of the ancient festival of Yule Tide- which also happens to be the last day of  the Mayan calendar in the year 2013. 

He elaborated by saying that these people gather regularly in a lavish, underground cavern found in Iraq's north-most region. It is said to be large enough to house the Sistine Chapel.  The source also stated that, 500 meters underground- by way of stainless steel elevators designed by NASA- can be found an exclusive club owned by none other than Larry Flint- of Hustler magazine fame.

Snippets of risque video footage- secretly filmed there by a former investigative reporter for Penthouse magazine- who now  works for the DOD in Baghdad- vividly illustrates the extent of sexual depravity and wanton abandon which is now being (at least secretly tolerated) in Iraq's northern region. As rumors of this night life scene begin to slowly swell and undulate- mostly male, operatives of America's Christian Coalition who are secretly embedded with the Department of State- have secured a special grant from the Rand Corporation to assist them in combing the region on weekends- in a bid to learn of its exact location- so they can wage an extensive, under-cover investigation, posing as very happy, regular customers.

News of this in secret diplomatic circles has caused Turkish Tourism Authorities to be deeply concerned. They are afraid that it may represent a growing trend which could damage their country's growing and throbbing sex-tourist business and cause them to detour from Istanbul's Byzantine-back-alley-belly-dancing establishments- replete with call girls who take turns smoking a customer's nagila.

Shortly after the fall of Babylon, Japanese sex-tourists in particular began whining that Iraq was unable to compete with Turkish delights. Cultural anthropologists concur that it is most likely due to the vast number of young Iraqi females who fall victim to what is commonly referred to in conservative Muslim circles as "female circumcision". This practice-  involving the cutting-off of a newly pubescent female's clitoris to prevent her from ever obtaining a natural level of sexual enjoyment- also eliminates her natural desire to flirt, taunt, and tease males. Unfortunately, the tendency to nag seems endemic to other aspects of the female psyche which are not effected by this barbaric procedure.

To most Kurdish-Muslims and non-Muslims alike- this practice is considered to be a hideous form of sexual mutilation which not only retards the healthy hormonal development of an individual, but leads to a plethora of psychologically damaging effects which negatively effect the entire society.  

Shiite insurgents from Iran- have recently been commissioned to create heated debates on the subject amongst Iraq's northern region of Kurdistan. These debates usually attract large crowds from which an Iranian co-operative  cheers and applauds over enthusiastically. When not amassing large crowds, these same Iranian sleeper-insurgents tend to shops in northern Iraq's low-rent areas- posing as extremely bored shopkeepers. Newly operational, high- altitude UAVs- Unmanned Aerial Vehicles- that are powered by powerful satellite-mounted lasers with a loiter time of approximately 18 hours have been keeping these men under surveillance before and after their staged dramas- when they have little else to do other than gather around kabob shops complaining about their non-existent Kurdish wives' humongous buttocks and generally puffy appearances.

 As a result of this new operation, six Christian missionaries who were posing very successfully as inept ESL teachers for the security group formerly known as Blackwater- were kidnapped just last week while shopping for used, crotchless panties in a famous thrift market.  Nevertheless, many Christian-operatives are stubbornly insisting that their kidnapped colleagues were whisked away to heaven by what is known as a rapture experience. 

According to one backslider from the Christian-intelligence organization known as CRAP- Christian Republicans Against Pistachios (charged with the task of increasing right-wing, republican-stupidity and hubris in the heartland of America) is suspected of having persuaded the Vatican, the Iranian Air Force and the Turkish Air Force to increase their frequency of bombing sorties in Kurdistan's surrounding mountain regions- in a bid to discourage travel by  what one Iranian official has referred to as Cloak & Dagger Christians".
Since the shocking interpretation of the manuscript was first leaked to the Italian press in mid-August of 2010, a fire-storm of controversy has threatened to further destabilize the Middle East as Shiite, Sunni, and now Christian tribes are all vying for control of the area thought to contain the controversial writings.

Recently, a low-budget Japanese film director who was location-scouting in the region to do a really antiquated rip-off on a Quentin Tarantino rip-off,  was taken hostage in the region. As a result, several entertainment moguls in Hollywood have apparently called Tehran to express their deepest gratitude.
Months before,  three Americans who had claimed to be journalists in Iraq found themselves in an Iranian prison insisting they were backpacking college students.

They were taken into custody by the Iranian border patrol and charged as spies employed by the CNN- Christian News Network.  Some political groups argue that they were abducted  by Iranian's border patrol inside Iraqi territory, while some eccentric cult-group followers are claiming they were abducted by either Muslim-aliens pretending to be Christian-aliens, or aliens pretending to be Shia Muslims dressed in Iranian border patrol uniforms.

Roadside bombings in the region have greatly increased convictions that an international conspiracy has been created to thwart people's attempt to find the ancient church which they believe holds the key to many unsolved historical mysteries.

The letter was carefully reviewed by several village elders who- despite their ability to translate only snippets of the text- became convinced that it had provided them with a greater understanding of who Jesus the Christ- whose actual name was perhaps Yoshua Bar Yoseph- had been. Shortly afterward, they managed to convince a gaggle of Assyrian- Christians that the man commonly known as Jesus had incorporated the teachings of the Jewish philosopher Halal-  with Buddhist philosophy of long suffering integrated with other regional philosophies gaining popularity on the silk road as it weaved its way to Damascus.

The elders also contended that the  popular quotation about rivers of living water that spring forth from one's body, referred to a holistic "miracle" cure that was known and practiced in India at that time involving the consuming of one's own urine to cure a wide array of health disorders and thus insure a long and healthy life.
In a final related story,  one ROOTERS source has suggested that since September, 2010, highly-trained computer technicians and hackers working for Iran in an attempt to prevent  more American Christians from seeping into Iraq-  began mounting a cyber-terrorism campaign which involved developing a virus which could weave its way from Google and Wikipedia search engines into NSA, DIA, DOD, and CIA computers- in a bid to confuse people regarding the location of Iraq's Kurdistan region with the US state of Kentucky.
The project is rumored to have succeeded in making several Turkish fighter planes fly very far off course. However, the Pentagon denies there is any truth to the claim. Nevertheless, alternative newspapers the world over are claiming that the Turkish air force while targeting a KPP-terrorist encampment they thought was in Kurdistan- actually bombed a Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet in Louisville, Kentucky.

Another Turkish plane was supposedly forced to crash land in a Wall-Mart parking lot just outside of Palestine, Texas, as yet another attempted to land on a ranch in Medina, Texas. The rumored results of this campaign have had Iran's shadow diplomat to Iraq-Brig. General Sulaimani- promising to fund additional  project such as the switching out of cell phones to Iraqi officials with ones containing spy-ware. A more ambitious project will possibly involve the importation of  CD compilations of Cat Stevens Greatest Hits of the 70s containing subliminal messages such as- Tea for the Taliban. 

To follow further developments on this story, check ROOTERS daily.  Joe Bryan Baker